How Strong do you think I am?
by Iulya
Summary: “Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.” Emily Prentiss is a strong person but exactly how strong she is and what hides behinds her strength? My first story so please Read and Review!
1. 1 If I don't cry, do you think I don't

**How Strong do you think I am ?**

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Criminal Minds unfortunately.**

**Summary****: **_**"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." Emilly Prentiss is a strong person but will the team learn exactly how strong she is and what hides behinds her strength?**_

**Note:**** First ever story so be kind with me **

**Spoiler for the episode 2x 15 Revelation. The inspiration came from the song – **_**How strong do you think I am**_** by Alexz Johnson and the chapter titles is the first line of a lyrics. The idea is to make a chapter for every one or two lines**

**Rating K+ but might change or not as/if I go on with it**

**1. If I don't cry, do you think I don't feel?**

"_**Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing." Arthur Helps**_

* * *

"_-Emilly ?_

_- Yeah?_

_- How come none of this gets to you?_

_- What do you mean?_

_- You came of a desk job an now suddenly you're in the field surrounded by mutilated bodies and you didn't even flinch._

_- She's right! You never blinked …_

…

_I guess I just_ _compartmentalize better then most people…"_

* * *

In the loneliness and silence of her apartament, Emilly Prentiss was feeling the aftermath of the events in Georgia.

Here she couldn't hide anymore. Because there wasn't anybody to hide from… except herself. And after all that had happened, she coulnd't hide from herself anymore. So she let herself face the truth that she hid deep inside for the last few days.

_**-**_ _**I'm sorry,**_ she whispered. _**I'm sorry I didn't have better answers! I'm sorry I didn't say or do more! **_She whispered while looking through the window feeling so lost.

Here Emilly could admit it. I was safe, because no one was listening. No one would judge her fears. No one. She was all alone and for the first time after this case she was able to express them out loud.

_**- I was so scared **_… she said, hugging herself_**. I was so scared … for Reid, for JJ. I was scared for all of us, **_andtears started to fall freely on her cheeks. _**I was so scared of losing one of you guys.**_

And so she sat still, starring outside towards the Capitol building, lost in her thoughts.

She began to realize that she was already attached of all the BAU gang … even of Gideon and Hotch. And that realization brought a slight smile on her face. They were a family. And she wanted to find a place among them.

They all seem genuine nice people. Sure though, rough and scared on the outside but with such big souls inside.

It felt bad that they seemed to take her as a cold, distant person. It hurt but she made herself a promise and she was determined to keep it. She needed to get over her fears and try to earn their trust and most important: their friendship.

She just couldn't stand being so close to lose one of them and not being able to let them know that she cared for them. Never again.

_**- Not because I am scared!**_

**. I'm still considering how to continue with this. I'm not sure if I should carry on or where exactly I'm heading with this. Any ideas or reviews would be nice.**

**I appologise if there are mistakes as English isn't my native language.**


	2. If I look away doesn’t mean I don’t see

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own Criminal Minds unfortunately.**

**Summary****: **_**"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." Emily Prentiss is a strong person but exactly how strong she is and what hides behinds her strength?**_

**Note:**** First ever story so be kind with me **

**Spoiler for the episode 2x 17 Distress. The inspiration came from the song – **_**How strong do you think I am**_** by Alexz Johnson and the chapter title is now the second line of a lyrics. The idea is to make a chapter for every one or two lines**

**Rating K+ but might change or not as/if I go on with it**

**Special thanks for everyone that read the story!! To everyone that took the time to review I owe a huge thanks and virtual cookies: **Careey, Forensic Girl554, ginsensu, P, Halle Alexis; Thank you a lot, you've made my days!

_**2. If I look away, doesn't mean I can't see**_

"_It is truly said: It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide what to do."_

_**Chow Ching**_

At first she noticed that he was more tired then usual, she saw the dark circles around his eyes, his lack of punctuality, she paid attention to the times he seemed lost in thoughts and she caught even his slightest reaction that was caused by the victims photos.

Emily assumed that the nightmares were to blame for Reid's behavior. So she decided to silently keep an eye on the young profiler. After his ordeal in Georgia it was natural that he'll need time to heal his soul and mind. The wounds on the inside were always the harder one's to heal. It takes time and friends to overcome them. And Reid has both .. they were all supporting him and were willing to give him time and patience.

Though she hoped that he knew they were always there for him. . She thought of him as a little brother and she was willing help him in anyway that she could.

She hoped he know she was there for him too.

* * *

_I'll map the area and see if I find any place the victims would have visited in the neighborhood ._

_Good! Maybe we can find a connection between them. I'll help you with that._

_I can handle it!_

_I didn't suggest that you couldn't …_

_Isn't that what " I'll help you with" means?_

…

_Reid, Prentiss will help you with the geographical profile and victimology …_

* * *

That, right there was a wake up call. There was more going on then the nightmares going on with him.

What could she could do. She couldn't keep looking away if she intended to keep her promise. She had to make him realize that she noticed his behavior and that she was concerned for him.

And Emily had every reason to be concerned. Reid was having uncharacteristically difficulties in concentrating, tried to keep to himself and showed irritability and snapped for no apparent reason.

It didn't bothered her that she was the one that was on the receiving end of his bursting. But it concerned her what caused it. Could it be PTSD ? The symptoms she noticed seemed to fit.

Whatever was wrong she needed to make sure he knew that she won't keep looking away from his outburst and that she cared about him.

She had a promise to keep …

* * *

_What's the matter with you?_

_What do you mean … what's the matter with me ?_

_I've never seen you acting like this …_

_Really, Emily? In the months that you know me, you never saw me acting like this ? No offence, Emily, but you don't really know what you're talking about, do you? _

* * *

In the plane Emily found herself once again lost on yet another window.

"_Something is wrong. Seriously wrong!", _she thought as shethrew another glance towards the couch where Reid was sitting pretending to be asleep. " Maybe I don't know him as well as the others but I can feel something seriously is going on with him. It doesn't take a genius or even a profiler to see it but it takes a very close friend to be able to get to him to admit it. She knew she wasn't yet the right person for the job even though she wished she was. It was only fair to admit that maybe Gideon was the only one that could reach past Reid's barrier. Maybe she should try and talk to Jason. _"Like that is going to be easy. But I have to try. I owe that to Reid ". _

"_And to myself… "_

"_Insults are the arguments employed by those who are in the wrong._

_**Jean Jacques Rousseau**_

Any review, comment and ideas are more than welcomed!


	3. 3 Chapter 3

I want to start by appogizing for abandoning this story. I just didn't know where to go with this anymore… and to be honest still don't but I want to give it at least another change and I hope you all will even though it's not the best writing.

Thank you to every one that reviewed the first 2 chapters, I really appreciate it and it does mean a lot.

This is dedicated to **Sara Nublas** and **Nix 1978** that inspired me to pick up writing again. Thank you.

This chapter contains spoilers to episode 2x17 and the final of season 2.

And just because I want someone when I'm alone …

"_What makes loneliness an anguish is not that I have no one to share my burden, but this: I have my own burden to bear"__** Dag Hammarskjold**_

The word haunting her mind was _" enjoyment_ ", and the question _" Am I enjoying my job ? _". Her mother asked her and it the question stayed with her ever since.

That particular case was a bit more personal then she would have wanted. Why? Because her own mother brought this case to them. And while she understood the situation she didn't agree with the way her mother acted – because the ambassador never considered that this should have passed through some channels before the BAU team could consider the case and used her as a connection to get them on the case.

"_Connections _- – she internally cringed at the word – _… right"._ The though of playing the political game, of pulling strings to get things done "their way" it was chilling to the bones. She hated politics … because when anytime she was involved in the political games she ended up either being used or using someone. _" Used_ - she shuddered at the choice of word – _to bypass protocols_ ".

"_You go ahead now, Emily, and convince Aaron Hotchner that your mother did not short cuted any channels for you to get into the BAU … "_.

And while the way they got the case left with a bitter taste it didn't mean she didn't cared about the family affected, because she very much did … she cared about the mother and wife that barely aware of her surroundings swallowed in worries and fear for her loved ones or about the father and husband, kept captive and mutilated for a ransom.

Here she was again, all alone in her apartment – that didn't yet feel like a home – exhausted but unable to sleep, stuck in analyzing everything over and over again. If she was honest it became a habit – some sort of coping mechanism for her mind, a way to help herself compartmentalize better.

And then suddenly and unexpectedly the answer hit her like a ton of bricks.

"_While I am enjoying the people I work with, I'm not enjoying my job, I feel that I belong here, I am good at it and always try my best, I am coping with bad days and appreciate the good days. "_

… doesn't mean that I am helpless that I can't stand on my own.

_~ Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice. ~ __**Woodrow T. Wilson**_

"If only you could turn back time or at least froze it. If only I could find a way out of this mess".

Strauss had just told her she was just a puzzle piece, a string puppet, brought to the team with the sole reason to help get rid of Aaron Hotchner. That was what stung the most, that while she fought to earn the trust and prove herself she was a mole all along. It hurt that the suspicions were real. She sighted and tears threatened to fall.

Who knew 5 minutes could change your life that much, could hurt you to the core. That a talk could throw you overboard without a lifeline. The world around her seemed too be crumbling. She was drowning. Even though she was used to start her life over from time to time the perspective of giving up on a place and people she fitted in for once seemed unbearable.

She felt cheated while she felt a cheat. But at least now she knew where she stand. And her mind was made. She'll do what she did best kept her problem for herself and protect those she care about no matter the cost. Maybe in the end she'll hurt them but in the end it was for the best.

So she began to prepare herself for the worse case scenario, one she never envisioned until now but it seemed the most realistic now because if push came to shove she would pick the team over herself. She could not see any other way.

But while she typed her resignation, her tears were falling freely while her heart was still hoping that she wouldn't have to say goodbye to her new found family.

_~ Loyalty is the pledge of truth to oneself and others. ~ __**Ada Velez-Boardley**_


	4. Chapter 4: How far can we go before we b

_Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds _

_I am sorry about the length of the chapters, I can't seem to be able to make them longer_

_**Chapter 4: How far can we go before we break ?**_

"_Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go." __**Sylvia Robinson**_

She was now certain and, surprisingly, calm. She had thought at so many scenarios in her head in the attempt to find a different solution. But it was now a certainty, it was clear that her career at the BAU was about to come to an abrupt end. There was no other way. These past few weeks convinced her that she should hand in her resignation.

There was no way she would play along with Strauss and destroy a career and a team. She would not betray the one place that saved her from darkness. The people that, unaware of it, won her heart, managed to conquer her walls and find a way to touch her soul.

She cared about each and everyone of them. She had found two best friends in JJ and Garcia. An older brother in Derek – tough and rough outside but with an endearing soul – and a younger sibling in Reid – the quirky and nerdy "kid" that was incredibly smart but painfully vulnerable and yet so resilient to the cruelty the world thrown at him. She had two mentors to whom she look up to in Jason Gideon and Aaron Hotchner. Both had taken the a while to warm up to her but treated her with respect and guided her in growing as a profiler and as a person.

She had finally founded a home and now she was about to be snatched from it because of a political game, a selfish ambition that Strauss had:climbing her way to the top of the FBI no matter whose career and life she had to destroy to reach it.

The decision being made she felt a huge weight lifted of her shoulders. She was free of the struggle that haunted the last few weeks. She was free to let her emotions take over, to cry at the thought of leaving, to smile at the memories she gathered and to hope for the best outcome.

A pang of guilt reached her with at the thought that she wouldn't explain her real reason behind her sudden departure to any of them. That she might hurt them by leaving. That she won't be there for them anymore. She hoped they would accept her brief reasoning and agree to keep in touch.

They didn't need to feel guilty for Strauss doing. How could she burden them with her problems when the future of the team was still at risk. How could she tell Hotch that he's the reason she gave up her plain in the BAU, when the "witch" was trying to destroy his career.

It was her choice after all so she felt it was right to take support the consequences that were to come from it. Fair or unfair, hurtful or not is was going to be her burden to bare.

She could take it if it meant they would have a chance to remain together and continue to save lives, to bring criminals to justice and make the world a safer place.

She took a moment looking through the doors of BAU before entering for the last time and whispered "_You've changed me for better, I'll have to leave you, even if I wish I didn't have to, but I'll take with me the memories and cherish them. I've loved being part of the BAU family. Thank you_ ".

And then she stepped through the doors with a shattered heart and a resignation letter in the bag.

"_You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind."_

_Any reviews will make my day!_


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